Matters Of The Heart
I grew up in a home where God was rarely mentioned. My Dad is an atheist, he forbade Mum to go to church, used to say, “If you go, don’t bother coming home.” I felt unloved growing up and desperately wanted my Dad’s love and attention, which led me to move in with my boyfriend when I was 16. I left town to go to Sydney with him, a month later.
He was doing drugs (pot) and had a bad temper. I dropped out of school because I was pregnant. I still had no relationship with God and no one to lean on. I was a sad, lonely teenager in an unhealthy relationship.
Two moves across country and another child later, I was 18; we were living in Brisbane, close to my grandparents. My Grandma is a strong Christian, and encouraged me to go to MOPS (Mothers Of Pre-School children). I only went as I only used to leave the house once a week to go food shopping. The thought of spending time with other mums sounded lovely! There in the encouragement of older mums I grew as a mum.
I then hit a very low point in my life as my boyfriend’s temper spiralled out of control, I reached the end of my coping abilities, hit bottom and cried out to Jesus to save me. A short time later, my boyfriend also accepted Christ.
We were married, then baptised few months later. His drug problems still continued in a yearly cycle of relapse, being found out, denial, anger, and repentance- until relapsing again.
We moved a few more times, had 2 more children and were working for my parents managing a caravan park. My husband Glenn relapsed again… This time he left us, headed back to Brisbane with the intent to get help for himself, and then we’d join him.
It didn’t happen.
He sank deeper and further into the drug scene, and got into trouble with the police. I didn’t know about this, and we visited him so he could see the children and myself. He went into a rage, smashed a house to pieces around us, and tried to abduct the children. Finally, after locking me outside, and pushing me around, the Holy Spirit just took over. He commanded Glenn to stop what he was doing in the Name of Jesus, and that he was not allowed to take the children. God knew it was demonic- and dealt with it accordingly! Glenn shut up, sat down and behaved. The police turned up and took him away. I packed up and drove home at 2am in the morning, not wanting to wake up to the destroyed house.
After returning home, (many hours away from Glenn) I felt as if there were a giant hand on my back pushing me to leave. I was also worried that Glenn would turn up in the rural town where we lived and take the children.
My Dad picked out the best caravan he owned, and quickly altered it to suit us. I had packed everything I could in one day into our 16” caravan. I knew I would probably never see any of my stuff again.
I was friends with an elderly couple from Epping, Vic who visited Longreach (where my parents are) every year. She’d extended the invitation to visit anytime- so I decided I would.
We left Qld with no real destination in mind. Once I was over the border, (Qld/Nsw) I relied on God to lead me. It was the closest I’ve ever been to Him- partly I think because I listened to Him. I’d ask Him, “Do I turn left or right here, Lord.” Or “Do we stop here for the night or keep going?”
I stopped in Seymour, and visited Rex and Margaret in Epping. I’d started to run out of money, as it was costing about $120 a day to travel, including fuel, site fees, food etc. So, I needed a place to stay for a few weeks to save up so I could keep travelling. I got out my Hema map, and she got out her VicParks guide. She suggested Boort, said they’d visited there and it was lovely, and had a lake etc. “Ok!” I said. “I’ll go there!” So I did, at first the caravan park said I could only stay for a week, but they let me keep extending. I started asking God, “Do you want me to stay here? Do I look for a house?” He answered with Isaiah 54:2 “Enlarge the place of your tents, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back.” So, I started looking at rentals.
There were none.
So, I looked at buying a house. God gave me Psalm 16:5,6. “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have falled for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance.” And Psalm 107:7,8. “He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.”
I looked and found my house. $30K, 4 bedrooms, ¼ acre block.
We moved in.
For the next 4 years we continued to keep contact with Glenn, slowly attempting to reconcile. I have come to the conclusion that he isn’t stable enough to have a future with, he made some small changes, but is still angry, blames others for his problems, is unreliable, untrustworthy etc. I have tried hard to rebuild my marriage, and I don’t have regrets.
I believe I have tried my best.
The last we heard of him, was when he walked into church after the service and punched the pastor there. Took 6 men to pull him off.
Isaiah 54 is very dear to me, God says to me: Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame, do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth, for the Maker is your husband- The Lord Almighty is his name, the Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young only to be rejected says your God. All your sons will be taught by the Lord and great will be your children’s peace. In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed. I will build you with stones of turquoise. God’s word is dear to me; it guides me and changes me.
I have made some poor choices in life- and I have to bear the consequences of that. One of those is my future. I personally do not believe in divorce, so I stick to 1 Corinthians 7:10 “A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.” I am content to remain by myself the rest of my life, bring up my children to know Jesus and follow Him. I consider myself married, unavailable to anyone else and conduct myself accordingly. I am separated from my husband yes- but in Gods eyes I am still married.
God is faithful; he has brought us this far safely. I know he does not waste things that happen to us, and there is no place safer then listening to Him, and following Him.