Matters Of The Heart
As you read this article I’m sure you are probably thinking oh! This is just another story about someone’s battle with anorexia/bulimia and you are right; but as this “quest to be thin in order to fit in” still runs rampant in our homes, churches, schools, etc.; another story needs to be heard.
I was 17 years old at this time and in high school dealing with low self esteem issues and wanting to go to the prom. So in order to combat the self esteem issues and make sure that I was looking good for the prom I fell into the trappings of becoming bulimic.
During my elementary years, when my mother, brother and I would go shopping for school clothes, I always had to go to the chubby sizes, because of my weight. Of course this followed me throughout grammar school, junior and high school, because as I developed, I was blessed with the hips, thighs and booty, which was hereditary.
There was this group of girls who were popular and I wanted so badly to fit in, because I thought that if I hung around them then perhaps I would have it going on. See, these girls only tolerated me, because they new the reason why I was hanging around with them, so one day they decided that they had had enough of me and they put their foot down so to speak.
It was during lunch time and I came to sit down, just like any other day, but this day was surely to be unlike any other day. As I proceeded to sit down one of the girls spoke up and said, that they did not want me sitting with them and of course I continued to sit down because I thought that they were kidding, but at that time much to my surprise (denial), they were not. I replied you are kidding, they said no we are not. I got up from that lunchroom table feeling rejected, embarrassed and ashamed. While working through that, because I had classes with some of these girls, I began to focus on the prom and getting my physical self together.
The bulimia begins:
I recall, I was in a size twelve at this time. My typical day consisted of eating one meal a day which was dinner, and I would eat that one meal and drink plenty of water or whatever beverage that was for dinner that day and go to the restroom to vomit it up. Of course, as I began to see results, this type of behavior grew because I began to feel good (superficially) about my self. I became so intoxicated with this type of behavior until I would vomit wherever I could hide what I was doing. So whenever I had to empty the scraps from the table and put them in the dog bucket for the dogs, I would vomit there, the trash can, the lawn, again anywhere I could find a spot.
Yes, people began to notice the weight loss and I would tell them that I was dieting, but seeing that my mother is a registered nurse by profession she new something was wrong. So she asked me one day when she heard me in the restroom trying to expel my breakfast, (I loved moms was I making myself vomit, breakfast-homemade pancakes, cheese eggs and sausage or bacon on the weekends) if I was making myself throw up, and of course, I lied. I continued on, and yes I did achieve my weight loss goal, to look good in my prom dress and have a date for the prom. Also, for the first time that I could ever remember, I was in a size single digit jean.
While I was vomiting up my food this particular day, my middle sister caught me and told our mother, which she suspected. Again, because of her profession she talked with me, but not until I began to have stomach issues, the light bulb went off of the damage that I was during to my body. Yes, damage to my body, because I still have lasting affects of being bulimic to this day.
I know that my mother was praying for me and her prayers were answered. Glory to God, He, protected me, because I could have died from this. Praise the name of Jesus, that even though that bulimic pattern tries to flare up from time to time while I continue on this journey with my weight; I have since gotten educated on more healthier ways to reach my weight loss goals.