Matters Of The Heart
There are many of us (women) who wear mask of unspoken issues within their hearts. For many, many years I have been wearing this mask through positive thinking that allowed me to escape the inner torment of pain after being raped at the age of ten by a 16 year extended family member. For me, my positive thinking has a good and bad point. It was good because I didn’t kill myself or those who harmed me. I believed my positive thinking was God’s plan to help me stay alive. It’s ironic because I always felt the present of an inner peace that caused me to pray to God daily. Back then, my prayer was mostly asking God to come take me back to heaven. I wanted to die, but God had a plan. One day I remember praying, asking God, Why people were so mean? Why bad things keep happening to me? Then, I heard a soft voice saying, “Jeanette I have work for you to do”.
On the other hand my positive thinking was bad because it allowed me to hide behind a mask and not express my true inner feelings about the rape. The rapist had embedded a tremendous fear in me because he said, “I’ll kill you if you screamed or tell anyone. This fear opened doors to other dreadful ordeal of rapes with guys my caretakers approved. I was only allowed me to date guys of parents they knew or befriended. Yes! By the time I completed high school, I had experienced five or more date rapes. Each episodes of date rape increased my fears causing me to develop low self-esteem and unworthiness. My low self-esteem allowed me to make bad decisions when it came to men. Being naïve and not having discernment caused me to fall prey to the flattery lips of lying men. It was not until the age of 26, after divorcing a man who tried to kill me, that my eyes were opened to deceptive men.
One day while at home and after praying and telling God I wanted to be free of my past hurts, I heard a soft voice saying, “Jeanette forgive the people who hurt you”. Next, I said, “How?” Then I remember hearing about forgiven in the Bible at Luke 11:4. God wants us forgive those who trespass against so he can give us of our trespasses. Also as indicated in Luke 17:4, we shall forgive those who trespass about against seven times seven daily. Still yet, I didn’t realize that I had to make good decisions—this was something that I had not been taught. I was ignorant and lacked God’s knowledge. The Word of God states that we perish because of the lack of knowledge (Hosea 4-6)—and if we belong to God, He will not have us to be ignorant (I Thessalonians 4:13).
For many years, there were many questions in my mind about why bad things happened to me. Was it because I was fatherless and motherless? Or was it because people were cruel, evil and jealous? Well I really didn’t have a clue at that time in my life. Later, I learned that our adversary, the fallen angel Lucifer, continues to seek who he can devour and turn away from God. Even through my suffering of bad situations, lessons were learned. Sometimes the life of hard knocks can teach you how to rely only on God’s wisdom, and to trust Him in every bad ordeal to bring inner peace of healing. Later, after continually studying the scriptures, I learned that God is working things for our good even as we are called to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
As I daily rededicated my life to God by developing a personal and deeper relationship, my healing process began. My faith continued to be increased by hearing the Word of God as I assembled with the saints of God (Hebrews 10:25). Much praying, meditating, and studying the Word of God has helped me to speak live more abundantly to my dead situations. As time passed, I made better decisions by transforming my thinking, changing my environment, and watching what I allowed to permeate my mind. Although my journey of healing has been a work-in-process, I am still wholeheartedly relying on God’s wisdom. I leave you with this verse from Isaiah 43:18—Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. It’s time to let go and let God heal your hurt—even if it’s a process over time; I did!